You might try writing an imaginary letter to your relative expressing all your concerns. Then, read that letter, imagining that you’re in your relative’s position. This will help you to frame your concerns in a constructive way. [1] X Research source Try to imagine your relative’s objections will be. Develop respectful, thoughtful responses to those objections. Include reasons why your family member’s behavior has a negative impact on others, including on you. Share your concerns with a trusted third party. Don’t rehearse the conversation, but be clear about what you want to express and what you hope to achieve.
Plan the conversation in advance. Don’t wait until a crisis to bring up what’s bothering you. Let your relative know you’d like to speak with him seriously. Avoid springing a heavy conversation on your relative. Instead, give him time to prepare. Choose a comfortable setting. You might demonstrate your good intentions by taking your relative out to lunch. Avoid settings that evoke the problem: for instance, don’t talk about problem drinking in a bar.
For example, you might say: “I know that we don’t always agree on this issue, but I’d love to know more about your perspective. ” Or, ask: “What scares you most about reaching out to a therapist?” Don’t imply judgment with your question. For example, don’t ask: “Why do you refuse to eat healthy food?” Instead, ask: “I’d like to understand your decisions around food better. Can you tell me more?” Some people are angry about needing help or guilty about the burden their situation imposes on others. Others might be frightened about their condition and seeking reassurance through making their relatives and loved ones take on too much responsibility for their care. They might be lonely and see failing to take care of themselves as a way to get attention from you.
Put yourself in your relative’s shoes. Listen to what he is saying about his own experience, and try to be empathetic. Accept that your relative’s feelings, judgments, and perspectives might be different from your own. That’s ok. Be genuine. You don’t have to pretend to think that your relative’s decisions are great. Instead, be calm and honest. For example, you might say: “I understand that taking medication for your depression is frightening for you. I don’t agree with your decision, but I can accept that you feel that way. ”
If you observe changes in your relative’s behavior that make you suspect dementia or other cognitive issues, you will need to get your relative evaluated by a professional. [4] X Research source Recognize that some behaviors have physical causes. Low blood sugar, for example, might cause a diabetic relative to become cranky or confused. [5] X Research source familydoctor. org/familydoctor/en/diseases-conditions/diabetes/treatment/helping-a-family-member-who-has-diabetes. html
Where possible, use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You’re making everyone miserable!” offer specific examples. You might say: “When you come home drunk, I see that your children are scared and worried. ” Or, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to come over every night to make sure you’re ok. ”
For example, you could reach out to a pastor or rabbi whose opinion your relative respects. They might be able to explain why it’s damaging to family relationships not to take responsibility for one’s own health and well-being. If you have a relative battling addiction, you might choose to stage an intervention. This should be carefully planned in consultation with a doctor or licensed drug counselor. [8] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
For example, you might say: “I’ve noticed that you’ve gone for a lot of walks lately with your friends. That’s great! It makes me so happy to see you enjoying yourself and getting exercise. ” Or, you could send a simple, supportive message: “Nice job going to therapy today. I know it’s not easy!”
For example, go for a walk or a jog together. [10] X Trustworthy Source FamilyDoctor. org Family-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family Doctors Go to source Sign up for the same water aerobics or yoga class. Turning exercise into a social occasion will help lessen your relative’s loneliness as well as supporting her in making good choices.
For example, buy and cook healthy food for your relative if you have her over for dinner. It’s not your responsibility to feed your diabetic relative every day. But if you host a party and invite her, preparing a diabetic-friendly treat could be a nice gesture. [11] X Trustworthy Source FamilyDoctor. org Family-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family Doctors Go to source
For instance, you might believe that no one else can care correctly for your relative. [13] X Research source In reality, you may be feeding into a cycle of dependency; your relative may be better at seeking help from others or at taking responsibility for herself than you realize. You might believe that it’s selfish to prioritize your own needs. In fact, it’s necessary to meet your own needs first. Caregiving might seem like the only way to earn your family’s respect.
Al-Anon is an organization that provides support for relatives of people with drinking and addiction problem. [14] X Research source The Brain Injury Association provides a list of local organizations with resources for family members of people with traumatic brain injuries.
If your relative is genuinely unable to make decisions, consult your doctor about your legal options. You may be able to obtain guardianship, a health care proxy,[17] X Trustworthy Source American Bar Association Leading professional organization of lawyers and law students Go to source or other legal powers that will allow you to make decisions on behalf of your relative.
