Doing deep breathing exercises. Imagining a calm place, such as a sunny beach or a lush forest. Doing some relaxing yoga poses.
Ask your step-sibling when would be a good time to talk. Try saying something like, “Hey, I have something kind of important to discuss with you. Do you have some time to talk after dinner tonight?” Use “I” statements when you share your concern. Using “I statements will help to take the focus off of you step-sibling and this may prevent him or her from becoming defensive. For example, you might say something like, “I felt a little hurt by what you said to me at school today. I heard you tell someone that I was ‘annoying’ and that hurt my feelings. ” Avoid accusing your step-sibling of trying to hurt you. Just explain how the event made you feel. Focus on your perspective, not your step-sibling’s perspective.
Use your body language to show you are listening, such as by facing your step-sibling, making eye contact, and leaning in towards him or her. You can also show you are paying attention by nodding your head and asking questions if something is confusing. For example, you might say something like, “It seems to me that you are saying you were annoyed by something I said this morning, but that you do not find me annoying. Is that right?”
For example, you might request that your step-sibling not talk about you to other classmates. Instead, you might ask your step sibling to tell you if he or she is feeling annoyed by something you are saying or doing so that you can make an effort to stop. Try saying something like, “The next time this happens, will you please talk to me about it first? I really want us to get along and I think that would help. ”
For example, if your step-sibling starts to yell at you, then lower your voice and speak quietly. If your step-sibling comes towards you, take a few steps back to put distance between you. Doing these things will help you to get the upper hand and calm down your step-sibling in the process.
Keep in mind that your step-siblings might be used to doing things differently at their home or used to different treatment from their parents. You are not comparable to each other. Don’t be dismayed if your natural and step parent decide to do things slightly different for you and your step-siblings. You might continue to go to your old schools, for example, play different sports, or get different kinds of birthday gifts. Don’t mistake different for unfair treatment. But if you feel bothered by something – like maybe you feel discipline or chores are imbalanced – express yourself honestly.
Remember that you don’t have the only claim to your natural parent’s time, love, and attention. You may already share these things with natural siblings – why not with others? Be assured that your parent won’t stop loving you. In fact, in many blended families parents recognize that they’ll stay closer to their own children and respect that. Your old relationship won’t go away, though it will have to change in some ways to include the new family. [5] X Research source
For instance, go to your step-siblings’ soccer practices, swim meets, or school plays as a family. Encourage the whole family to all come to your activities, as well. Try to have family dinners and use the chance to talk to your step-siblings about things that they care about, for instance, “So Eliza, I hear that you play the clarinet at school. What’s your favorite piece?”
Ask your step sibling to join you for a walk, bike ride, game of basketball, or some other activity. Use the opportunity to see what your shared interests are. Say something like, “So, Craig, what sort of stuff do you like to do in your spare time? Really? I like that, too. ” If you go to the same school, say “Hi” in the halls or ask to sit with your step sibling at lunch in the cafeteria once in an while.
Your parent might not think that sharing a room is a big deal. Explain what you are feeling openly and honestly, like by saying, “Dad, I just feel like uncomfortable. I don’t know X very well yet and need my own space. ” Your parent and step parent might not have the money to get a bigger house. In that case, you might be able to find some kind of compromise. If your step-siblings only visit once in a while, for example, you can suggest getting a fold-out couch for their stays.
You shouldn’t be expected to share everything you own with step-siblings or to make everything communal property. If you’re going to share a room, talk to your natural parent (and maybe your step parent) about what can be communal and what you want to keep private. For instance, it would be hard to prevent your sibling from using a television or PC in a shared room. But you could ask that he or she not use your telephone or iPod. Talk to your parent, again, if you feel that your step sibling is overstepping bounds. For instance, “Mom, can you talk to X about “borrowing” my clothes? I don’t like it” or “Dad, X has been reading my diary and I want him to know that that’s private. ”
Your parents might ask you to include a step sibling in an outing with friends. This is OK, but speak up if you want some space every now and then: “Dad, I don’t mind when X joins us sometimes. But I also want time alone with my friends. ” It’s also important to have time alone with your natural family, too. See if you and your dad or mom can run errands together once or twice per week, for example. Some step families even take separate vacations to get quality time together.
Add your perspective when it comes to planning and rulemaking, especially if you are a bit older. You might also ask your biological parent if you can express your opinion, like “Dad, can I add my opinion, too?” Focus on compromising. While your perspective matters, it is also important to consider the perspectives of your step-siblings and try to reach a compromise. Try to imagine what your step-siblings’ needs are and how they might be feeling about the changes. For example, if your step-siblings moved in with you and your parent, then your step-siblings might be feeling uncomfortable about their new surroundings or even missing their old home.
During the meetings, you should communicate openly. If you want to keep your old room, say so and give your reasons why. You may not get your way in the end, but it’s better that your family blending take in everyone’s perspective. You should also try to be respectful of your step-siblings and be a good listener during the family meetings. Remember that you’re trying to solve problems, not to win an argument. You will not get your way in everything – a new family takes compromise.
Don’t feel like you need to hit it off with your step-siblings immediately. But be open to forming relationships with them. Remind yourself that the family is your new “normal. ” This may take some time and even a bit of mourning. That’s OK and it can take months or more to start to feel natural. Try to participate in new family routines. Eat dinner with your step-siblings, participate in family games and activities, and be open to relationships with your step family.
Share your feelings and thoughts around having a new step sibling with your support systems so your emotions are not held in. This will allow you to release any anxiety or stress you may be feeling about the new changes in your household and get some support from others.
You should still be able to talk with your biological parent sometimes without having to share with your step parent or step-siblings. Be clear when you need to do so, for example, “Mom, can we have a one-on-one discussion for a sec? I have something I want to say to you. ” As said, ask to do things alone from time to time with your natural parent and siblings.
