Try not to criticize her in front of your spouse openly. It’s okay to have an honest talk about your feelings when she’s not around, but don’t put your spouse on the spot. If you live with your mother-in-law, make an effort to interact positively, even if you disagree or aren’t getting along. Ask your spouse to speak to her on your behalf if needed.
For example, you could ask, “What’s your favorite weekend pastime?” or “What shows have you been watching lately? I love game shows!” Ask her about your spouse’s childhood. She may have endearing or funny stories and photos to share, and she’ll appreciate your interest. If you’re unsure what to ask her about, talk to your spouse. They can give you some helpful talking points and even identify some interests you share with her.
“Do you have any good book recommendations? I know you love to read!” “We’re thinking of inviting the whole family to a nice dinner somewhere. Do you know any restaurants that everyone would like?” “Life has been a little crazy lately. What was it like for you, balancing work and raising kids?”
You could say, “Dinner was delicious. You’re an amazing cook! And you’ve always got a recipe for any occasion. " “You’re such a caring and thoughtful grandmother to my kids. They think the world of you, and so do I. " “You have so much creativity. This painting you did is so vibrant and lifelike! I really admire your skill. "
For example, you could say, “Can I give you a hand with those grocery bags?” or “Let me know if you’d like an extra helper to make dinner on Friday. I’m here if you need me. " Bring her a thoughtful gift every now and again, too. You don’t have to shower her with expensive things; it could be a bouquet of her favorite flowers or a homemade sweet treat.
If she cleans the house or washes the dishes despite you reassuring her that she doesn’t have to, thank her for her contribution. If she buys you and your family things, say, “That was thoughtful of you! Thank you for thinking of us. " Assume she has good intentions. If your mother-in-law gives you unsolicited advice, it’s easy to assume she’s controlling. Instead, consider that she doesn’t know how her advice sounds; she’s just giving it because she cares.
It’s important to respect her priorities, even if you don’t share them. If she doesn’t like shoes worn in her home (but you don’t mind them), remove your shoes when visiting her anyway. It’s not a hassle, and she’ll appreciate it. Avoid pointless arguing. If you know your political views are different, why have the same argument repeatedly? Agree to disagree and try to move on. If you respect each other, you’ll get along even when your opinions clash.
For example, you could say, “I really appreciate that you want to spend more time together, but I prefer having advance notice so I can get ready. Can you call before coming over?” “I enjoy chatting with you, but I could get in trouble if I’m distracted during work hours. Let’s set a time each week so we can talk on the phone without any scheduling conflicts!” Give her a chance to adjust to the new boundaries. Acknowledge that she may struggle with her changing role in your spouse’s life. She could be worrying about that relationship and need some reassurance. You might have to remind your in Laws of these boundaries from time to time.
Telling your spouse how you feel is vital; if they don’t know, they might unintentionally put you in situations you’d rather not be in. Brainstorm solutions and boundaries with them before talking to your mother-in-law.
For example, you could say, “I specifically asked you to call me before coming over. Surprise visits really catch me off-guard, and I like to feel organized. From now on, would you please call a day in advance?” If she says something you disagree with, respond neutrally instead of ignoring her. Say, “Okay, I’ll consider that,” or, “Thanks for your input. " You can respect her opinion without letting her dictate your actions. If your mother-in-law resists your boundaries, invite your spouse to talk to her one-on-one. Ask for help but make it clear you won’t make them choose between you and your mother-in-law.
If you’re driving to her house, smile to yourself and think of nice things to talk about. Once you see her, give her a warm hello and show her genuine affection. Use humor to put everyone at ease and deflect any awkwardness. A good-natured joke can make the situation feel less tense. For example, if your mother-in-law complains about hot temperatures, reply with, “Well, at least it means we don’t have to sit indoors grumbling about how cold it is!”
If you pick your kids up from grandma’s house and they’re wired from a sugary dessert, remember that this doesn’t happen daily. Let your mother-in-law spoil your kids a little! If her privileges get out of hand (with extravagant gifts, for example), gently talk to her. Let her know she can dial it back, and the kids will still be happy. You could say, “Thank you for giving the kids so many toys! I appreciate your thinking of them, but we’re running out of space at home. Could we save gift-giving for holidays and special occasions?”
Getting along with your mother-in-law doesn’t mean you must like all the same things as her or share her values. Look for common ground, but embrace your differences too!
