Before you say something, ask yourself if you really mean it and if it’s really necessary to say it. For example, you may find yourself wanting to say, “You’re a terrible friend!” Do you really think that? Will saying it help resolve your fight? If the answer to either of those questions is “no,” don’t say it! Try mentally rephrasing what you want to say before you say it so you focus on their behavior. For example, instead of “You’re a terrible friend,” say, “I feel really frustrated with the way you’ve been acting lately. ” This shows your friend you’re concerned about how they’re behaving but doesn’t attack your friend.
You can also try grounding yourself by focusing on things in your environment. For example, take a second to spot 5 blue things in the room, or focus on the physical sensations inside and outside your body. If you have to, walk out of the room for a few minutes and come back when you feel calmer. You could even say to your friend, “I’m feeling really upset. I need a minute to myself. ”
Instead of saying, “You’re always standing me up! You’re unreliable!” say “I feel really disappointed and upset when we make plans and then you don’t show up. I have a hard time feeling like I can rely on you. ”
Never insult or threaten your friend during a fight. Even if you’re really mad at your friend about something, try to focus on their negative behaviors rather than who they are as a person. Try to be respectful of your friend by not interrupting them or shouting them down when they’re trying to speak. Avoid exaggerations and absolutes, such as “You never listen to me!”
You might say to your friend, “Fighting like this isn’t getting us anywhere. Let’s take a break and talk about this later. ”
Think about what started the fight. Is this an issue you’ve argued about before? Was it a simple event or act that triggered the fight, or is it part of a larger pattern? For example, maybe you and your friend disagreed over which movie to watch, and it turned into a big blow-out. Is there a long-standing pattern of one of you always deciding what you do together? If so, the friendship may be imbalanced, which can lead to tension.
Even if you didn’t start the fight, reflect on how you handled yourself during the argument. Is there something you could have done better?
For example, maybe your friend has a habit of telling rude jokes in front of your girlfriend, and it’s really starting to tick you off. Is your friend like that around everyone? If so, maybe they just aren’t aware of how you and your girlfriend feel about it. If not, maybe it’s a sign that they feel insecure about your friendship.
Don’t go too long without reaching out to your friend, however. If you don’t address the issue, bad feelings may continue to fester, and this could lead to an even worse fight.
For example, you could say, “Hey, I’m feeling really down about our argument a couple days ago. Our friendship is so important to me, and I just want to have a talk and clear the air. Can we meet up this week and chat?” Your friend may not be ready to talk. If they say “no” or give you the brushoff, respect their need for space. If they don’t reach out to you first, try again in a couple weeks. If they still aren’t ready, wait for them to make the next move.
Don’t offer fake “apologies” that put the blame on your friend, such as, “I’m sorry you think I was being rude, but you shouldn’t have stood me up. ” Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry I lashed out like that. I was frustrated, and I said some things I shouldn’t have. ” If you really feel that you were completely in the right, you can still express sincere regret over the situation. For example, “I feel bad that we’ve been arguing so much. I don’t want our friendship to be damaged. ” If you apologize first, your friend may then offer an apology of their own. Try not to get too upset if they don’t apologize right away, though. They may still need some time to simmer down.
Show your friend you are really listening by using receptive body language (nodding and making eye contact) or verbal cues (e. g. , “Right,” or “I hear you. ”). After your friend has finished speaking, try rephrasing their main points to make sure you understood them correctly. For example, “It sounds like you feel like I try to take control all the time when we do things together, and never let you choose what to do. Is that right?” If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. Say something like, “Help me understand how my decision to invite Maisie made you feel bad. "
For example, “When we got together last week, I felt like you weren’t interested in what I had to say, and I feel like that a lot when we’re together lately. I let my frustration get the best of me, and that’s why I stormed out. ”
For example, you might say, “Okay, we’re never going to see eye-to-eye on veganism, but I don’t want that to put a wedge between us. Let’s just agree to respect each other’s lifestyle choices and not talk about it when we’re together. ” If you fought because of something hurtful that you said or did, make a commitment to your friend that you won’t do it again. E. g. , “I’m sorry that I complain about your parents so much. I know it bothers you, and I’ll avoid doing it from now on. ” If you fought because of something your friend said or did, let them know what they can do to make things better going forward. For example, “Please don’t tell rude jokes around my girlfriend from now on. ”
For example, if you fought because your friend wouldn’t stop playing on her cell phone when you were trying to have a serious conversation, you might have to remind her to put the phone away now and then. You could say, “Hey, remember how we agreed to keep our phones in our bags during lunch?” Likewise, ask your friend to hold you accountable. For example, “Just tell me to quit it if I start gossiping in front of you again. I know it bothers you, but sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it. ”
Focus on the positive things that came out of your argument. For example, remind yourself that you and your friend learned new things about each other, and be proud of the fact that you were able to talk it through and continue your friendship.
For example, you might go see a movie you’ve both been looking forward to, then go out for dinner and have a fun conversation about the movie afterwards. Tell your friend specifically what you love about them.
Communication goes both ways. Communicate clearly and honestly with your friend, but also don’t be afraid to ask them for clarification if you don’t get what they’re trying to say.
For example, you might say, “I can’t go out to lunch with you anymore if you’re going to ask me to cover the bill every time. If you can’t afford to chip in, let me know, and we’ll plan to do something else. ” Don’t be afraid to say “no” sometimes. You don’t have to feel obligated to go along with whatever your friend wants.
For example, your friend may never be as neat as you, and you might just have to accept that their house will always be a mess when you come over. If it really bothers you, try meeting at your place, instead. Likewise, your friend should not feel that they can control who you are. While they have the right to make requests of you, it’s ultimately your choice whether to agree to those requests. This doesn’t mean you have to put up with everything your friend does. If your friend does something you just can’t deal with, and they refuse to change their behavior, it may be time for you to move on from the friendship.
Being with your friend feels more stressful or tedious than fulfilling or joyful. Your friend regularly belittles you, takes advantage of you, violates your boundaries, or refuses to respect your wishes. You don’t feel like you and your friend have that much in common anymore. You feel like you can’t be yourself around your friend. You and your friend don’t trust each other. You feel like you are putting a lot more work into the friendship than your friend is.
