Plan how you’ll get to your safe space, as well—you might memorize the number to a taxi service or hide a copy of your car key in case your abuser takes your primary set of keys. [2] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. Consider making two exit plans—one for how you’ll leave if you have plenty of time to get out, and one for what you’ll do if you need to if you need to leave at a moment’s notice. [3] X Trustworthy Source WomensLaw. org Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence. Go to source If you have children, decide whether it would be safer to take them with you or leave them at home. If you think they’d be in danger, bring them when you leave. However, if your abuser never targets them, it may be safer if you leave alone at first. [4] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
Unfortunately, it’s common for abusers to control the money in the household. Even if you can’t put any money aside, you can still get help from local domestic violence groups and shelters.
Pack light—bring a few changes of clothes, medications, and maybe a few small heirlooms, like jewelry. If you have children, you might tell them they can bring one special toy as a comfort item. [7] X Trustworthy Source US Office on Women’s Health U. S. government agency providing resources for women’s health Go to source Bring evidence of your abuse if you have it, like police reports, medical records, or photos of your injuries. [8] X Trustworthy Source US Office on Women’s Health U. S. government agency providing resources for women’s health Go to source [9] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. If you have children, pack documents like their birth certificates, social security cards, insurance information, and vaccination records.
For instance, you might leave to go get groceries or take your car in to get the oil changed. If you can’t leave, have a plan for where to go in your home if your abuser gets violent—avoid small rooms without exits and rooms filled with objects that can easily be used as weapons. [13] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
Use something believable, but not something you’re likely to use in regular conversation. For instance, you might not use the word “casserole,” because you might accidentally say it when everything’s fine. However, something like “your Nana’s lasagna” might be a good option—especially if you know your friend doesn’t have a Nana.
Instead, make a trip to the local library to find information on local shelters, nearby hotels, school transfers, job searches, or anything else that might be related to your plan to leave. You could also buy a disposable phone for browsing the internet—but be sure to keep it somewhere your abuser won’t find it. Keep in mind that your abuser may have placed recording devices in your home, so be careful what you say on your phone. Similarly, they may be tracking your devices or vehicle, so be mindful of that as you prepare to leave.
If you don’t have your own transportation, ask a friend to pick you up. Consider leaving your cell phone behind in case your abuser can track it.
Get your mail forwarded to a PO box instead of your new address so your abuser can’t track your mail. If you have to stay in the same town, change the route you take to work, and try to find new places to pick up groceries or hang out. Change your phone number, email address, and any passwords you use. Don’t contact your abuser at all after you leave. [18] X Research source
Keep a phone on you at all times. If your abuser does find you, call emergency services right away. Sometimes, the police won’t be able to do anything if there’s not an active threat, but you’ll at least be documenting the situation—and if your abuser sees you calling the police, they may be more likely to leave you alone.
If a paper journal seems too dangerous, you might keep it in the notes app on your phone or save it to a USB drive. If there were any witnesses to the abuse, make a note of this, as well. They may be able to testify on your behalf if the matter ever goes to court—like if you file for custody of your children.
Keep any threatening notes, texts, or emails that your abuser sends you, as well. If they make threats on social media, take screenshots in case they delete the post later.
These are all really common reasons that abuse victims have trouble leaving their abuser, so don’t feel bad if you haven’t been able to get out yet. Instead, take comfort in the fact that there are people out there who understand what you’re going through!
It can help a lot to reach out to family and friends who knew you before you started dating your abuser. At first, you might feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that you’re being abused, but having a strong support network will make it easier to get away. [27] X Research source It’s also normal to still have feelings for your abuser. That’s totally okay, but it’s important to focus on what’s best and safest for you right now. [28] X Research source
You can also talk to your doctor or nurse at your annual checkup, the HR department at your job, or a teacher or counselor at your child’s school. [30] X Trustworthy Source US Office on Women’s Health U. S. government agency providing resources for women’s health Go to source If you’re in the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. In the UK, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline at 0808 2000 247. In Australia, call 1800 RESPECT.
