Use different means to start your conversation. You can approach the person or send a text or email. Keep it light to start and ask questions to which the person can respond. For example, you could walk up to the person and say, “Hi Sara, I really enjoyed your presentation today, especially the graphics. How did you do that?” If you’re texting or emailing the person, you could write, “Great talk today, Sara! I’m really interested in how you did the graphics—would you mind telling me some more about how you put them together?”[2] X Research source Remember to keep it casual and not broach personal subjects. Not only are personal subjects more appropriate when you know the person better, but some people may confuse this as you hitting on them.
Pull together your appearance without overdoing it. Wear clean clothes, comb your hair, and avoid too much makeup or cologne. This signals the person that you are approachable and welcome to getting to know him or her better. Stay positive and encouraging. While everyone has a bad day now and then, no friend wants to be around a person who is always negative and a downer. If you had a bad day, acknowledge it to your friend and then say something like, “But now we’re hanging out and I’m really happy to leave my bad day behind me. ”
Maintain eye contact with the person and use open body language to show your interest and that you’re friendly. [4] X Research source For example, smile, lean in with your body, and tilt your head towards the person. [5] X Research source Avoid negative talk about other people because this may turn off the person you would like to know better. Negative comments may make the person ask, “What are they saying about me when I am not present?”[6] X Research source
Pick up on comments about the person’s interests and incorporate them into your conversation. This may stimulate further conversation and help you learn more about the person. It can also lead to doing activities together, which can also deepen your relationship to the person. For example, say, “Did you just mention that you love Vietnamese food? I’ve never had it before—what are some of your favorite dishes?”[8] X Research source Ask questions about the person’s interests. For example, if you want to get to know the person sitting next to you say, “I noticed that really beautiful picture on your desk. Where did you take it?” Mention your interests as a part of your conversation. This can help the other person get to know you better and shows your interest in having a dialogue with your friend. Consider using the person’s interests as a way to introduce yours. For example, if you’re talking about food you could say, “I’m a huge fan of trying new cuisines and Mexican is one I just don’t know well. Can you tell me a little more about it and what types of dishes you like?”
Talk about a mixture of serious and more lighthearted subjects to get a better sense of the person’s personality. For example, talk about something such as pets for lighter topics. You could say, “What kind of dog do you have or want to get?” For more serious topics, keep it non-controversial at first so that you don’t offend the person. You could say, “Can you believe how mean-spirited the race for president has become?” Ask questions about the person’s statements to show your interest in getting to know him or her. Notice something about the person and compliment him or her on it. This is also a good way to keep a conversation going and show your interest in the person. [11] X Research source For example, you could say, “Your ability to tackle anything thrown your way is really impressive! How do you do it with such grace?” Watch the person’s habits. Does your friend always hold doors for others? This can show you that the person is polite and considerate.
Continue to assert your opinions, which may stimulate more meaningful conversations. Show your friend you’re capable of forming opinions. Having meaningful exchanges and conversations keeps your friendship fresh. [12] X Research source Avoid making yourself too available. This shows the person that you are not clingy as well as that you are able to maintain other relationships.
Consider starting off by doing something you both enjoy. For example, suggest going to dinner at a restaurant you’ve both wanted to try. You could also cook together. Keep the time you spend together commensurate with how well you know the person. For example, you might not want to book a vacation together if you’ve only known the person for a few months. Instead, consider taking a day trip to do something both of you enjoy.
Keep your interactions as positive as possible. Begin conversations with good news or something positive that happened to you. This can relax the mood, allowing you or the person to broach negative topics, which can further cue you into their personality. Be understanding if your friend seems to be having a bad day. No one is immune to a bit of negativity and watching how the person handles it can help you know him or her better. If you want, discuss what is troubling the person and then offer your help.
Avoid sharing information or feelings that are too personal. Keep what you say commensurate with how well you’ve gotten to know the person. For example, don’t mention your sex life or ask about the other person’s. This type of information is something shared best within very close friendships and not with someone you want to know better. [16] X Research source Instead, share bits such as, “I am about to have surgery on my knee,” or “My husband just got a promotion but his company expects us to move away. ”
Remember to keep your invitation commensurate with how well you know the person. For example, avoid inviting someone out for a night of cocktails if you’ve just begun to get to know the person. Instead, consider asking the person to dinner with friends, which will give all of you a chance to talk and get to know more about each other.
Consider having a regular “date” over something like dinner or cocktails. This allows you to pick up on conversations or discuss things happening in your respective lives. Schedule day trips or vacations together. Being in close proximity to the person during a relaxing trip can help you really know who they are. Just remember that it’s acceptable if you want to have some “me” time during vacations, too.
