The best location is somewhere quiet, without cell phones or the TV on. If you have children wait until they are asleep or out of the house to avoid any little ears.
If it isn’t a good time in the moment, ask him when it would be better. If you want a two way discussion, you have to respect his request if talking needs to wait. Set a realistic time if it does need to wait, and stick to it.
Men want respect out of relationships, and forced eye contact can be a sign of aggression for some men. You could also try holding hands during your discussion. That’s a sweet way to remind both you and your husband that your relationship is a partnership. [3] X Expert Source Candice MostisserRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
We all have those moments where you say “Yes dear” without listening, so don’t take it personal if it takes a few times for him to hear how important the subject is. Make sure when he agrees to talk he has really heard your request. [5] X Research source [6] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Some of the best ways to signal that the conversation is important would include getting closer to him and speaking in a different tone than you would normally banter back and forth in. Getting his attention does not mean yelling or raising your voice. [7] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
Getting to the point does not mean making accusations or jumping right into emotions. [10] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. It means assertively telling him what you want to talk about as factually as possible and giving him time to respond. Try to offer a possible solution while voicing your complaint. It’s not fair to expect your husband to fix everything on his own. [11] X Expert Source Candice MostisserRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
Nagging does not work because you are asking him to do something over and over again that for whatever reason he hasn’t already done. You asking him to take care of a chore the same bothersome way for the 10th time tonight will not finally work. Nagging does not work because men have learned to tune it out, and often feel like you are treating them like a child when you nag. You would nag and use a guilt trip with someone you have power over, not a partner. Men want to feel powerful and appreciated, that just does not happen with nagging.
The formula for an “I” statement would be: “I” feel _____ when you ______ because ______. Examples of “I” statements might include any of the following: “I feel embarrassed when you tease me in front of your family because I want them to like me. ” “I feel frustrated when you were late for Sam’s teacher conference because I don’t know what to say. ” “I feel angry when you make financial decisions alone because I don’t know about them. ”
Paraphrase his key statements and repeat them back to him to make sure that, firstly, he knows you have heard him and, secondly, that you understand his statements. Understanding what he is saying is very different than agreeing, you may not always agree with him but you can always hear him. Paraphrasing and putting the “echo” you repeat back to him in an “I” statement will help clarify what he is feeling and what he feels is the reason for that. It also serves to validate his feelings. An example of paraphrasing might go as follows: Husband: “I am tired of your yelling. I am tired when I get home and don’t need to be yelled at. I am not stupid. I can’t even get in the door before you start. ” Wife: “I hear that you do not like me yelling and feel frustrated by being bombarded with requests when you first get home from work, is that correct?” Asking follow-up questions is another great way to show that you’re listening. [15] X Expert Source Candice MostisserRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
For example, if your partner has an undiagnosed case of ADHD, you may often feel like he’s not listening. [16] X Research source Furthermore, your husband may not respect your opinion or withdraw from emotionally charged conversations. Any of these issues can be recognized and managed with professional help.
Women want to be appreciated in a relationship while men want to be respected. Women can be more flexible when it comes to adapting because men are wired to be leaders not caregivers in a traditional sense. Knowing that a man is seeking respect and working to talk to him in a respectful manner goes a long way. [17] X Research source
If he is already feeling that you will not listen to him, an intense conversation is not going to be his first choice in communicating. A shared activity shows you “get him” and makes him more comfortable. [18] X Research source
Men tend to focus on what you do and less on what you say. Showing him you respect him may include taking the special effort to give him space when he first gets home because he needs time to unwind.
