For example, if your husband is casting a glance around a room and spending as much time looking at the men’s suits as he is looking at the women’s dresses, then he is not ogling. If your husband makes a comment that someone looks nice, and his comment is reasonable and not inappropriate (that is, he doesn’t say she looks “hot” or “sexy”), it’s likely not an issue to worry about. It is normal to notice when people look nice, especially when they go out of their way to dress up or get a new haircut. Consider, if you made a similar observation about a man, would your husband have cause for concern?
Keep in mind that it is disrespectful for your husband to ogle other women, especially in your presence. Some men who ogle women may do so because they were taught that manly men treat women badly. Therefore, it is possible that your husband is just doing what he thinks is expected of him.
Most men who ogle women developed the habit as teenagers, when their hormones were in overdrive. Looking at an attractive woman and feeling a sexual response gives a chemical response in the brain, which reinforces the behavior as pleasurable and contributes to a real habit that is hard to break. [3] X Research source Because it is a habit, it might be something that your husband does not even realize he is doing (like nail biting or nose picking). In that case, your husband might become defensive when you point it out, and may even shift the blame to you and accuse you of being jealous, insecure, or overly controlling. But luckily, because it is a habit, it is also possible for him to stop, provided he wants to stop. The key is to help him recognize when he is doing it and help him develop strategies to alter his behavior.
Remind yourself that your husband is not looking at other women because of something you did. You should not feel like you have to be more attractive to keep his attention. Your husband’s behavior is a habit and it has nothing to do with your looks or any other qualities.
Simply say something like, “Do you know that you stare at women? Like right now — did you notice you did that?” Because you are likely in public when this happens, it is probably not a good time to go into a lengthy discussion about the behavior, but pointing it out when it happens will give you a reference point for later when you can bring it up and discuss it.
Try framing your discussion in terms of “When you X, I feel Y. " Tell him when he looks at women’s bodies or makes inappropriate comments, it makes you feel frustrated, jealous, angry, or disrespected. Next, tell your husband what he could do differently in the future. For example, you might say: “When you looked at Janet’s breasts today, I felt really embarrassed and disrespected. In the future I would appreciate it if you would try to show more respect for my friends and for me by not staring at them that way. “[4] X Research source
When people engage in bad behavior and get called on it, it is common for them to gaslight the person that calls them on it. Gaslighting is when someone makes someone else feel like they are imagining the bad behavior, or like they are crazy or overreacting if they are bothered by bad behavior. It’s a way of avoiding taking responsibility for behavior. [5] X Research source If this happens, try to disengage from the conversation. Once your husband begins to blame you, it can be hard to turn the conversation around to a productive direction.
Reinforce the fact he is making you uncomfortable. You must really show him he is making you uncomfortable to be sure he knows you are serious and that you consider what he is doing is completely and utterly wrong, and hurtful to you.
In a healthy marriage, neither partner wants to engage in behavior that harms the other person or the marriage. If your husband is dedicated to the marriage and to you as his partner, your seriousness over this particular issue should convey to him that his behavior is unacceptable and that it has to change or else the marriage will suffer.
One good way to break a habit is to identify the reward that you get out of the habit and find a way to replace that reward with some form of punishment. [6] X Research source For example, if your husband feels aroused when he looks at an attractive woman, then you could show him a picture of something ugly or gross as a punishment for checking out another woman.
If you’re a member of a faith based organization, marriage counseling is often available through your church. Try to find a therapist with certification in marriage counseling. If marriage counseling doesn’t help– that is, if your husband continues to ogle other women and does not want to or try to change– then you may want to consider a break. You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect.
If you can’t afford counseling, check out books that can help you to build self-esteem. Consider Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection or Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
