Don’t avoid the talk for too long, as doing so builds resentment. In addition, if you want too long, your stress could come out as you snapping at your spouse because they’re the person you can take it out on.
You could say, “I love your mother, I do. I think it’s time that we have our own space, though. I think it’s time to ask your mother to move out. " Don’t forget to give your partner some breathing room before launching into why.
You don’t want to blame your spouse for the extra work. Rather, you just want to bring his or her attention to it. For example, you don’t want to say, “Your mother is so much work!” Rather, you might say, “I’m working longer hours with her in the house. I love her, and I like doing things for her. However, there’s only so much of me to go around. You may not realize how much extra I do because she’s here, so here are some of the things I do for her. "
Once again, try to bring it up in such a way that you’re not blaming your spouse for it. Try using “I” statements instead of “You” statements. As an example, you could say, “I enjoy spending time with your mother. Sometimes, though, it puts stress on us as a family. It makes me upset when she criticizes the children, and we don’t get to be intimate as often as we used to. "
If finances are the only reason you want your mother-in-law to move out and you can afford the extra expense of having her there, you might not get very far with this argument.
Of course, when agreeing on common goals, you may need to compromise. For instance, one compromise could be buying a house that has an apartment in the back. Try to set up dates for your goals. If your goal is to have your mother-in-law move out, by what date will she need to move out? Discuss how you can help her to move out. Maybe you can help her find a place or assist with finances if you are able.
If your spouse isn’t on the same page as you, this conversation isn’t going to work. You’re going to need to work together.
For example, you could say, “We’ve decided that we’ve liked you to move out. We’ve really loved having you here, and we still want you in our lives. However, we need space to figure out our own family. “[6] X Research source Include a time frame and the help you’re willing to offer. “We’ll help you find a place, but we’d like you to choose one by the end of the summer. We want you to stay close by, though, because we like having you around. "
Reassure your mother-in-law of your love. Let her know that just because you’re asking her to move out doesn’t mean you don’t care for her and want her to be a part of your family. You just want space to make your own family.
Make it close to you. That way, she won’t feel like you want her out of your life completely. Don’t decide for her. Even if she needs some help with care, it should still be her decision where she lives, unless she can’t decide at all.
In this instance, she’ll still be close by, but you can have more separate lives. It can also help alleviate the guilt your spouse may feel about abandoning his parent.
The problem is these options can be very expensive. Nonetheless, if your mother-in-law has exhausted other options, Medicaid will often pay for some form of assisted living.
However, this option can be costly to use on a regular basis, so you need to consider your financial situation before deciding on a home health aid. It may be possible that your mother-in-law can pay for the aid, but many elderly people are not keen on outside help, even when they need it.
Once again, though, it can be expensive, and your mother-in-law might not be very amenable to the idea. The plus side is it frees up your days to do things outside the home, if you’ve been staying home caring for your mother-in-law.
For instance, your family may be able to stay with your mother-in-law once in a while to help spot you. They may also be able to invite your mother-in-law for short stays, such as a week or two, to give you a break. Church friends and other close friends may also be willing to offer some relief by giving you an afternoon off. Family may be willing to chip in a bit financially. If $100 would make a difference in how you feel about having her there, maybe some family members would be able to help out, since they can’t take her themselves.
Another option is simply taking a break yourself. That is, when you feel yourself getting stressed, get out of the house. Go take some time for yourself away from your mother-in-law.
