Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies. [1] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
If you’re too upset to be calm, say “I’m upset, I need a break to calm down. " Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths. Then come back.
“How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?” “When I didn’t see you in the store, I felt really scared. I need you to stay close by so I know you’re safe and not lost. " “How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean poop out of the bathtub?”
For example, if your child resolves to do things differently after a conversation, then there’s no need to punish them: they learned on their own. Sometimes, it’s you who needs the learning opportunity. Perhaps you expected too much of your child, or put them in a stressful situation that they weren’t able to handle calmly. Kids don’t always have the emotional tools to handle stress in a mature way. Try letting it go this time, and keeping your child’s limits closer in mind next time.
Firmly say no. Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice. For example, “we do not throw snowballs at people’s faces. " Clap-growl. For a young child, clap your hands loudly enough to startle them. Then give a firm “no”. But don’t startle your child too much or else they might start a temper tantrum or argue back. Logical consequences. Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can’t fix. This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them. ) Give a choice. Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with. For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say “You can put on your shirt first or your pants first. " Making up. Have the child make amends if they wronged someone. For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her. Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e. g. “you could make her a card”). Time outs. A time out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e. g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old). Removal of privileges. For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why. Natural consequences. For example, if your child did not put their team uniform in the laundry hamper and it is not ready for the game as a result, that is a natural consequence.
Tell your child, “I am so mad, I don’t know what to do! I am going to take a break to deal with my emotions. "
If your child struggles with cleaning their room, it might help if you do it with them.
If the child agrees to do things better next time, then you may not need to punish them at all. Or, implement some reasonable logical consequences, like having them clean up their mess or apologize to someone they treated unfairly. What matters is that they learn, and punishment often isn’t necessary for learning.
“I saw you being so patient waiting for your turn on the swings! You did a really good job. " “I noticed you playing so nicely with your brother. I saw that you aren’t hitting him anymore because you know better now. You are growing up into such a kind person. " “Thank you for putting on your shoes so quickly! Now we will have even more time at the park because you are ready early. "
Avoid hypocrisy. For example, if you spank your child, but then you tell your child that hitting is wrong, your child may be skeptical and/or confused.
Spanking, even by parents, is illegal in many countries. Even if it’s legal in your country, your city/municipality or region may have banned it. Recognize that some people consider spanking to be abusive, especially if you hit hard. Never hit hard, use a tool, or leave bruises on a child. Child protective services may be called if people are concerned about you hitting your child, or your child tells somebody. Read up on alternatives to spanking. [6] X Research source Don’t spank a child with learning, intellectual or developmental disabilities such as autism or ADHD. This can permanently scar them, (and any child, for that matter) especially if they couldn’t control their behavior. [7] X Research source
Have less gray matter in the brain. Develop cognitive disabilities. Develop mental health problems like anxiety and depression. Abuse drugs or alcohol. Distrust other people. Abuse their spouses and children. Engage in criminal behavior as they age. Die young.
Spanking is already harsh. You don’t want to worsen it by humiliating your child in front of people.
Crying is very natural before, during and after the spanking, and the child should never be punished for that. Try giving one last warning, like “If you do not let go of her hair by the time I count to zero, then you will get a spanking. " This may startle a child into behaving or at least if they know what it is.
If you do not think you can control yourself, then leave the room and do not give the spanking.
If you do not think you can control yourself, then leave the room and do not give the spanking.
If you decide to spank your child on their bare bottom, remember that while this lets you visualize the child’s buttocks and know if you are hitting too hard (from any reddening) or, especially with a younger child, be less likely to accidentally hit other parts (such as genitals), potential (and highly likely) downsides include the risk of the spanking being more painful than intended or being emotionally and/or sexually humiliating to the child, especially an older one, from the exposure of their private parts. If you are concerned about any of that, reconsider bare bottom spanking and spank over clothing instead.
Do not talk during the spanking. Save any conversation for after the spanking is done—just get it over.
Be sure not to be angry during the spanking, as anger can make you hit too hard and thus increase your chance of causing injury to the child. To avoid injury to your child, you should keep a safe distance from the genital area, the coccyx and the kidneys of the child. A spanking should not last too long, possibly no longer than 15-20 seconds. Ideally, the slaps should be mildly uncomfortable but not painful, so make sure to listen to the child’s responses, to know if you are hitting too hard. Pay extra attention if you are spanking on the child’s bare bottom: do not leave anything other than mild and temporary redness (if any). If you spank this way, pull back up the child’s pants and underwear as soon as the spanking ends.
After a spanking, the child may think that they are a bad person, or that you don’t love them. These misconceptions can lead to even worse behavior later on. [14] X Research source Don’t force the child to receive affection after a spanking if they don’t want to. Research shows that being affectionate towards a child after spanking them can actually worsen their anxiety, not decrease it. [15] X Research source The child might feel confused and think that the parent is unpredictable. If they want to run to their room and hide after a spanking, let them. [16] X Research source [17] X Research source
