“You aren’t allowed to play video games for an hour after you get home from school, because this is homework and study time. ”[2] X Research source “If you break this rule, you will not be allowed to play video games for a week. ”
Think of it this way: many kids are told they need to be good all year if they want Santa Claus to bring them lots of presents, but they usually only really start to worry whether they’re on the “naughty” or “nice” list come December!
For instance, if your teenager engaged in some minor vandalism with a couple of friends, you might “ground” them specifically from seeing those friends for 2 weeks, in addition to requiring them to apologize and help clean up.
If you always use a blanket punishment like “you’re grounded for a week” and don’t factor in intent and other extenuating circumstances, your child will focus more on how unfair the punishment seems, rather than learning from the experience.
For somewhat younger kids, though, very targeted “groundings”—banning them from playing with a certain toy or doing a certain activity, for instance—may be effective. Kids under age 6, or maybe even up to 8, likely won’t be able to perceive the cause-and-effect connection between their misbehavior and their grounding.
Grounding them from going out, having friends over, or using social media at all hours of the day can be plenty unpleasant. Making them miss their big basketball game or their dance recital as part of a blanket weeklong grounding should only be done with a lot of thought on your part.
If they took the car without permission and damaged it, you might ground them for a week initially, and during that time formulate a plan for them to work off the repair cost.
Taking social media away completely as part of grounding may cause more resentment and anxiety than you think, and it could lead to excessive use after the ban is lifted. Instead, consider whether a targeted social media “grounding”—limiting it to certain times or activities—might be sufficient.
For instance: “Since you broke curfew again, you are grounded for the next 2 weekends. However, if you do this list of extra chores, in addition to your normal chores and all your schoolwork, I’ll reduce it to 1 weekend. ”
Some proponents of empathic parenting believe that grounding is never justified, while others believe it can be used in a limited fashion alongside empathic parenting techniques. One way to practice empathetic parenting is to ask your child about their choices. For example, if your child makes a wrong choice, ask them about why that was the wrong choice and what a better choice might have been.
If they’re not yet ready to accept their responsibility and come up with a solution, give them some time and re-open the dialogue again later.
For instance, in the example of failing a test because they skipped out of studying to hang out with friends, you could say “I’d like you to take some time to come up with a plan for how you might be able to bring your grade back up. Let me know how I can help you. ” Make sure to talk with your child at a time when they are not feeling emotional about the issue. It’s okay to take a break until they are calm.
Talk to your or your child’s doctor, the school guidance counselors, trusted friends, and/or your insurer to get leads on good therapists in your area. The therapist may suggest techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
